You are not alone. You are not a burden.
The Straits Times Singapore published an article on 01 October reporting the preliminary findings of a study conducted by the Singapore Council of Women’s Organisations (SCWO) and James Cook university in Singapore. It shed light on the mental health struggles of Singaporean women, particularly those between 40 to 59.
In the preliminary findings that surveyed 300 women, close to half of those between 40 to 59 reported having experienced mental health concerns but that 59 percent of them have sought professional help. Feeling like a burden to others was cited as a reason by more than 70 percent of the women as the reason they did not seek help.
It is unfortunate but so relatable.
Many women in Singapore have been socially conditioned to care for others before themselves. They are already carrying huge burdens and experiencing strong obligations to show up for others. Many are caregivers sandwiched by two generations and do not know how to get help and support.
I wrote this quote in 2020:
“The moment you worry about being a burden is
the moment you realise the magnitude of what you carry in you”.
It makes sense that these respondents are already so overwhelmed and may not even know how to get help for whatever they could be experiencing, much less know where to begin or how to get help.
If you are struggling and feeling overwhelmed and stressed out and helpless, know that you are not alone.
You feeling like a burden doesn’t mean that you are. Your feelings and your thoughts are not facts. (If you would like to find out more about how emotional regulation can be a resource for your current challenges, read this)
You feeling like a burden simply tells you that you are really going through a lot: you are burdened. You are not a burden. Whatever you are carrying that is burdening you, was not meant to be carried by you alone.
If you are struggling and do not know what to do, read on for some suggestions on how to get help and some suggestions on what you could do.
If you know somebody who could be carrying a lot and you would like to get some tips on how to support them, I wrote a post here.
Give yourself permission
Many things can begin if we give ourselves the permission to try, to experiment with how to get help. Access courage within you and kindness for you. Give yourself permission to receive help.
Take 8 minutes.
Thought leader and reowned speaker Simon Sinek summed it up in this video.
You are carrying a lot. You may believe that people could be turned off by everything you are experiencing. You read about “trauma dumping” and you are anxious of being “that person”. You don’t have to share everything in one go. Share lightly within your community: sincerely and with containment. Identify friends who are good at listening or friends who are kind and compassionate. Ask the person if they have 8 minutes to hold space for you to share something that’s been on your mind. If they said yes, arrange a time in the near future to do so. If not, move on to another friend.
If you don’t have a friend who can attend to you, consider calling a helpline. The Women’s Helpline manned by trained individuals at AWARE Singapore is a good resource for this. The Singapore Association for Mental Health has a toll-free helpline too.
It’s very hard to open up about your challenges at first if you have not shared before. So choose one aspect of what is challenging currently and speak freely.
Journal with a timer.
You may find it challenging to share, off the cuff, in all rawness of your struggles. If you wish to share with slightly better clarity and coherence, consider writing your thoughts for 20mins first. Use a timer so you have free rein to write whatever comes to your mind about that particular topic you would like to share with a trusted friend. The timer is also a physical and tangible boundary for you to contain your outpouring. Stop when the timer goes off and repeat the following day and so on. When you have a version that you find easier to share, take the 8 minutes with that trusted friend.
Seek others who may share similar experiences.
You are not alone and you are not a burden. There are others like you too. Seek out communities near to your location or on social media for issues that you are bothered by. You need not talk to anyone yet, but you could find out more and hear about people’s experiences and help yourself recognise that you are not alone. There are caregiver support groups and communities, groups that hold space for individuals struggling with infertility, reddit threads on peri-/menopause, etc.
Get help from a GP.
It is possibly scary to approach a psychologist or a psychiatrist for mental health concerns. Start small and consult with a general practitioner. Most family physicians are trained to attend to mental health concerns and they may be able to offer onward referrals or also interim treatment options.
Start changing the way you carry your load
You can begin taking care of yourself and practise self-care. It may feel easier to share with others on days we feel a little lighter. You could refer to this post for some affordable self-care suggestions.
Reach out to helpers online
It can be frightening to go to a mental health professional’s office face-to-face to talk about what you are struggling with. A tiny step in that direction could be calling helplines provided by non-profit organisations or by government agencies.
In Singapore, we have resources like AWARE Women’s Helpline (1800-777-5555), Singapore Association for Mental Health toll-free helpline (1800-283-7019), the Samaritans of Singapore 24-hr services for crisis (https://www.sos.org.sg/contact-us/ ), the national mental health helpline and textline (dial1771 or WhatsApp: Message 6669-1771) and ComCare helpline (1800-222-0000).
Another tiny step you can take is also reaching out to counsellors like me who work online. I offer a free 30min consultation before you decide if you would really want to get formal support for your current struggles. Book here. There are so many of us trained to hold space for you and you could begin by acquainting with some in the online space through their social media and check out the content they put out. You can reach out when there is some sense of familiarity.
Remember: You were not meant to carry everything alone.
If you are feeling that you could be a burden to others, it simply means that you are carrying a lot. There is nothing wrong with you and there is help for you. You were not meant to carry everything alone. I hope this post is helpful in some ways for you to consider seeking support for whatever you could be experiencing in this season of your life.