I wrote this post with the hope of providing some resources and suggestions on how we can be of support for our children in stressful times. Exams and performance evaluations (e.g., recitals, competitions) are already daunting on their own but it can be even more stressful when we are pit against one another in a high-strung society where scarcity is the hallmark. I hope you find something helpful here.
Caregiver Self-care and Emotional Regulation
Self-care is important for caregivers. Adults have more resources than our children (even if they are teenagers and have continued to develop emotional maturity): if we have less, they likely have lesser. If we already are on the brink of burnout or mostly exhausted, it would be more challenging to be a compassionate presence in the face of our children’s stress. Us running on fumes could also evoke worry and anxiety in our children. Children may unfortunately choose not to add on to our seemingly huge load by seeking help from us.
If we fill our cups, we would be pouring from a place of enough: how we act would be different when our bodies and our nervous systems are well-regulated compared to dysregulated. When we take care of ourselves, we have more energy and presence for the relationships that matter to us.
We could be anxious for our children, and this could rub off on them. We could be planning for the worst-case scenarios and our catastrophising thoughts could be internalised by the children whom we care for. Before we offer guidance and support our children, we could check in with ourselves and take care of our stress first. Even if it is going to be a couple of minutes of breathwork or giving ourselves a cup of tea to relieve ourselves of that little bit of stress from our bodies. We can then be of service to our loved littler ones and face their stress with them. I wrote a post that covers some quick and affordable strategies on how we can exercise self-care before showing up for others.
Be Present
One of my favourite scientists Dr Andrew Huberman (“the protocol man”) has countless resources and he has shared many protocols on how we could take care of our wellness from sleep to mood regulation to exercise. Something relevant was when he spoke with DJ Shipley on his podcast “The Huberman Lab” where DJ Shipley shared how he uses mental rehearsal to take care of his own challenges as a worker and entrepreneur and how he shifts gear to be present as a dad and husband.
We may not know the best thing to say. Gosh, we may not know what to do sometimes. Showing up with kindness, care and patience is actually a lot and I believe this is good enough. Just expressing your love and demonstrating your concern like being around stressful times by preparing them their favourite snacks or drink is a great start. Keeping harsh criticisms at bay and being a steadfast and consistent pillar is more than what a child can ask for.
Provide Structure and Schedule Rest
Children need to build skill around studying and we can provide the structure and environment that can help them cultivate the “discipline” of showing up consistently to work on difficult tasks. Supporting children during school exams could mean that we come up with an agreed routine on how much time is spent on studying and what they can do for rest (i.e., when they are not studying). Even if they are older and they have already had some routine around studying, it helps to demonstrate interest in what they are doing and express our agreement and support. In any case, cultivated structures could become the foundations on how they would show up as they grow older, when they are working towards harder goals and challenges.
Preparing for exams may be difficult for some kids who may not be willing to sit down and study. Because it is really boring and tedious. We’ve been through that as adults! We know that we sometimes have to do boring and tedious things in service of our goals (which are informed by our values). Younger children may not know that or may not know how to navigate that yet. Supporting them could mean us offering the leadership and co-regulation to help them lean into doing the thing they do not wish to do.
Instead of yelling at them to do their work, what we could do is to communicate and demonstrate our trust in their ability to do their work. They are likely to be wishing for control and could be feeling powerless in the face of stressful exam preparations. Instead of dismissing their experience, we could guide them in gaining back control by collaborating with them. We could identify and suggest what they could do and guide them to verbalise what they would be willing to do in that tiny window of opportunity.
Studying for school exams may be challenging for some kids who are anxious and overwhelmed. They may not want to stop to rest. Supporting these children may see us stepping in to help them regulate the anxiety and the stress that they could be feeling in their bodies. They may not be as effective and productive just studying on end when their minds are foggy or when they are restless with anxiety. We could guide them in understanding the importance of rest and also lean in with them on their feelings and listening to them on their worries.
Guide Them Through Emotional Regulation
Exams are stressful times for children and they could get anxious about how they would perform. Anxiety could be contagious but so is calm. Parents are the stewards of the family. Offering leadership and a calm presence can be assuring for children who could be feeling nervous and dysregulated.
A source of great practical advice and solutions for parental challenges is Mr Chazz Lewis @mrchazz . He is a teacher who has been creating a lot of content on social media. He has a series that explains children’s “brain states” and offers advice and suggestions on what we can do when we can identify which state our child is in. It’s never too late to pick up skills and knowledge in supporting children in stressful times. Also, I find that the perspective Mr Chazz offers is actually relevant when encountering adults who are overwhelmed and stressed out too.
Access Empathy, Listen Actively, and Offer Assurance
It’s hard being kids. It may be confusing for you as you may hold the belief that kids don’t have much to do, other than to study. It is true that kids don’t have big responsibilities like adults do. If you however would be willing to consider their perspective and their context, you may be able to relate to how challenging and overwhelming exams could be for them. For example, they do not have as many resources as adults do – their brains and bodies are still developing. They also do not yet have the life experiences we do when encountering challenges and overcoming them. In addition, they are not as empowered to make certain choices in their lives. Exam preparations is a tough time, proportionate to their abilities.
One of the simplest things we could do in supporting children in stressful times is to offer active listening. When we can see our kids having a hard time, we can hear them out. We can guide them in expressing their feelings and thoughts:
- Use open-ended questions like “What happened?” or “What is happening?” or making requests like “Tell me more please” ;
- Hold back on offering advice or solutions, and;
- Be there as an assuring presence: just breathe and stay calm.
Us not reacting with intensity, us being comforting listening ears do help children realise that they are okay, they are loved and they belong.
We just being there with them communicates how we would love them no matter what, especially when they are feeling lost and helpless and overwhelmed.
We believing in our kids in their moments of stress and helplessness through a compassionate holding space communicates acceptance and lends hope.
Believe in Kids’ Capability, and Lend Hope
Dr Beck Kennedy @drbeckyatgoodinside, a clinical psychologist who generates massive helpful content for parents is a resource you can tap on. She shares information about parenting and she has specific parental skills building for us to learn to be effective stewards of the family. She offers countless scripts and also explains the context for how to manage parental challenges. One of my favourites that is relevant for the topic of supporting children in stressful times is how she named our desires for cultivating resilience in our children and raising “anti-fragile kids”. She wrote on her Instagram post:
“Kids don’t become resilient by never falling down. They become resilient because we believe they can get back up.
Sometimes our kids need to borrow our belief in them, before they believe it themselves. When we hold steady and trust they can do hard things, they learn to trust themselves too.
That’s how we raise kids who aren’t just resilient, but anti-fragile: stronger because of the challenges, not in spite of them.”
If you would like more of what she can offer, you can check out her website for amazing resources and workshops.
Conclusion
Exams are a source of stress for our children. This post covers some suggestions on how parents and caregivers can assist and be supportive of our children in such stressful times in the form of taking care of ourselves to show up fully and with compassion, providing structure, empathy, listening and demonstrating belief in our children to ride challenging waves with them.